How Not To Be Famous

From the National Institute for Stasis and Subsistence:

With the onslaught of the holiday season comes an alarming new danger. Traditionally, this time of year has been associated with the influenza virus and the common cold. Immune systems, weakened by pathogenic invasions from the open sores that cover many of our swollen, obese bodies, so often immobilized by the intake of an estimated 13 billion metric tons of unloved fruitcake, cannot cope with further threats. The t-cells and b-cells that comprise the fearless army of our natural bodily defenses choke and die on bloodstreams poisoned by nightmarish pharmacological cocktails. In the midst of this chaos rises a new and deadly threat: fame.

The common fame virus spreads most easily among those living in large, metropolitan regions such as New York or Los Angeles. Here, exposure to the virus can take place among thousands of potential carriers. Virus strains can be imbibed, eaten, absorbed by the skin, or enter the body through dry, bloodshot eyes. Demographically, this illness, for reasons scientists do not fully understand, tends to strike those who are young, rich, intelligent, attractive, and who fill the empty void of their soulless existence with blind ambition and a low tolerance for moral certitude. We caution all those falling in these demographic patterns to be especially careful.

Studies have shown a marked increase in common fame. Researchers believe this may be attributed to several factors, including the rise of the internet, reality television, and an emaciated news media, bloated by corporate business interests and vitriolic conflict-mongering. These studies note a curious paradox. The amount of total fame has increased only gradually, while a larger number of people share a smaller portion of fame over an increasingly fractured cultural landscape. Surprisingly, the consequences of fame have become more severe.

Some of the symptoms of fame are already well known. These include: substance abuse, car crashes involving substance abuse, vanity, eating disorders, vagina-flashing, and obscene amounts of money disproportionate to an individual’s value in society. To combat this disease, be aware of these symptoms. If you exhibit any, and fall into the right demographic range, we recommend an immediate enrollment into a certified public accountancy program. No public accountant has ever become famous. Additionally you should:

1. Stop washing your hands. Fame does not afflict the unclean, so long as you do not dedicate your life to selfless acts of charity.
2. Avoid casting calls/couches for reality television programs
3. Not attempt random acts of accidental heroism and try to sell the movie rights
4. Become morbidly obese. But not TOO obese, because then you might experience a fame-related pathogen called Infamy.
5. Suppress your talents and dreams
6. Not exhibit signs of charm, charisma, or photogenicism.
7. Eat raw garlic hourly
8. Aspire to conform to the mundane norms of your established social structure
9. Not betray original concepts or ideas that could “set you apart.”
10. Attempt to live vicariously through the celebrities you admire who set out to achieve everything that you have wasted your life vainly wishing you were good enough to achieve.
11. Only abuse mundane drugs
12. Enroll in “prehab”

With these guidelines in mind, we hope you have a safe and anonymous holiday season.